Online dating. As easy as shooting fish in a barrel or as hard as shooting pool with a rope? You decide. Hey, I’m not saying that a girl can’t get lucky and find a great guy. Sure it happens…about as often as Haley’s Comet comes around. So instead of basking in the glowing head of newfound love, most of us get burned in the tail.
But not to worry, girlfriends. You can put away your Colt 38’s. There is still hope! Would I leave you alone in this battlefield of loose cannons? Of course not. Read ahead and learn how to spot the red flags of online dating that will alert you to the pitfalls, the pratfalls, and the plotzes!
The Profiles: Princes or Poseurs?
Red Flag #1: Photos
When you log on to a dating site, even before reading the bio, you need to look at that all-important photo. Remember a picture is worth 1,000 words. And like a hot sports car, a hot photo can get you a lot of mileage.
1. The No-Show
You’re ready for the eye-candy, but you do a double take!! The guy posted NO photo? What the hell is he thinking? Let’s get this straight. You’re on a dating site competing with thousands of other men, pulling out all the stops to attract a woman. It’s your one shot, and it’s crucial to make a good first impression. And, the best you can do is post a gray silhouette of a generic guy’s profile? Whaaaat?
Dude, you can’t be serious! Any woman with even two functioning brain cells will immediately figure out that you’re uglier than Gollum from Lord of The Rings. I mean, what other conclusion can you come to? If you won’t even post a picture, even one that you took out of a Pottery Barn frame, than you’ve gotta’ be hideous.
2. The Overexposure
Then, there’s the extreme opposite of the no-photo guy. He’s the exhibitionist with a collage of photos that make the Kim Kardashian ass-selfies look like Mother Seaton. These are the men who are posed at the beach with their bathing shorts barely clinging to the lowest extremities of their hips. You can see his belly button, cut abs, hip-groin space and just about everything in Gray’s anatomy but the twig and berries.
Hey, I’m not complaining. A lot of eye-candy is titillating after looking at all those asexual silhouettes. However, when the hot-bod hunk posts his age as 50, umm. Who’s buying that? And if this does happen to be his true picture, then the next question is will he show up partially naked for your date? Does he own a shirt? Will he take you on a gym date where he spends the whole time seated in front of a mirror flexing his pecs, abs, and those other parts that are almost visible?
3. The Peta Op
If a guy posts multiple photos of himself surrounded by his pets, be wary. There’s always the de rigueur shot of them playing ball in the backyard, the one wearing identical Christmas sweaters, the doggie birthday party, and the big red flag—the one of them spooning in bed. Sure, it can be argued that the photos show a sensitive, caring, pet lover, but you’ve got to ask yourself these questions:
Where are his people friends?
Does he and Fido spend every birthday alone celebrating each other?
Is this an indication that the guy has too much time on his hands?
What’s the story with the dog in his bed?
I’ll leave these and other questions for you to chew over.
4. The Bait and Switch
This shyster posts a photo of himself standing on a dock in front of a big, fabulous yacht. Right away you’re thinking “Oh boy, I might win the lottery here.” Take a closer look. His boat is the one next to the yacht. Yeah, the little one with the 15 h.p. outboard motor. I would advise that this photo is a pretty accurate confirmation that this guy has a little dinghy! Don’t waste your time. I can also guarantee that any date you go on will end with a “failure to launch.”