Like the comet Shumaker-Levy which only appears every 200 years, the Bicentennial Comedic Opportunity of our lifetime is also making its appearance this year—and it’s called The 2016 Presidential Elections. And, what makes all those months of blah, blah, blah, absolutely bearable are the comedians who poke fun at every aspect of it. They don’t give a damn about being politically correct. They could care less about any of the candidates, because comics are trained to be equal opportunity exploiters and hypocrite busters. Their only goal is to slay them all by creating great jokes!
Let’s begin with the overload of hilarious political antics that have been televised for months on multiple networks. They started with 2,995 hours of torturous “fair and impartial” presidential candidate debates that have not only tested our stamina but our sanity, too. Waterboarding would be a more humane choice than having to watch one more of these fiascos. In the beginning, there was some ridiculous number of candidates like 226, all spouting the same droning, dopey rhetoric. However, we soon learned that the candidates were experts at skillfully bypassing all substantive political issues and getting right to the heart of their main objective—assassinating the characters of everyone else on the stage. That was juicy! But, the real entertainment was provided by the self-proclaimed “fair and unbiased” debate moderators.
The typical format was televised in a lofty venue where the seasoned politicos were informed they’d have two minutes to debate issues from global security, the national debt, and trade regulations to our Constitutional rights. Instead, this is what we got.
THE OPENING SALVO TO TRUMP: was delivered by a lithe, super-sexy moderator armed with 12 law degrees, 12 inch hair extensions, 12 inch nails, 12 inch false eyelashes, and 12 inch Christian Louboutin shoes… worth 12 hundred dollars. I’m talking shoes only. She calmly informed Trump that her first “impartial” question for him would be to explain his comprehensive plan for fixing our multi-trillion dollar debt.
THE QUESTION SHE FIRES OFF: “Is it true that your wife posed naked on a bearskin rug in 1990 for Slovakian Vogue featuring you, Mr. Trump, in the background wearing a clown suit and wielding an S&M whip?”
Not to be outdone, the Democratic debate featured a bunch of smart looking moderators dressed in expensive Hugo Boss suits and spit-shined Allan Edmonds wing tip shoes…we’re talking the women as well as the men. After promising the audience they’d be asking “hardball questions,” one of the moderators informed Mrs. Clinton she was going to ask “in-depth” questions relating to the “sensitive issues” of the alleged threat to our national security by her using an unsecured server.
THE JUGULAR RIPPING QUESTION SHE UNLEASHED: Mrs. Clinton, do you prefer the Apple I Pad or the Microsoft Surface for sending classified emails?
Stop groaning…you know it’s true. Here’s the problem. When we grew up, all our TV programs were over by 10 pm, and we became hypnotized by that stupid test pattern until the shows went back on at dawn. Now, there are 1237 channels that broadcast 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And after all the news has been covered in the first two hours of the day, it leaves hundreds of befuddled hair sprayed anchormen and anchor women with 22 hours more to fill. Panicked, they’re forced to think up their own scintillating questions and propose their theories about critical issues like:
APPEARANCE: Donald Trumps’ elaborate multi-level hairdo was engineered by the same men who built the Eiffel Tower.
Hillary Clinton’s wardrobe of pantsuits were made from Simplicity Patterns 1307 and 1545– the most popular styles in the 1950’s. In fact, many of our mom’s still keep them filed in their sewing drawers. Also, Mrs. Clinton’s blazers were allegedly designed by the team who created the original prototype for the Century 21 real estate agents.
SLANDER: Trump’s rivals have accused him of everything from income tax evasion to bad spray tans, to philandering with many of the Miss Universe Pageant contestants. Luckily for The Donald, nobody has turned up any actual proof supporting these allegations. However, there was a close call when one of the sleazy tabloids published a photo of him leaving a hotel from a reported pageant meeting at 4 a.m. with the tip of the Miss Universe crown sticking out through the top of his Eiffel Tower coiffure.
Mrs. Clinton has been a lot tougher for the tabloids to catch in any potential tryst. However, her husband is apparently still fair game as they attempt to resurrect his former paramours. The problem is that the sexiest current photos of these woman show gray-haired grandmas, posing in orthopedic hose, granny panties, and 38DD Long “Cross Your Heart” bras. The paparazzi are ready to kill themselves. At this point, Bernie Sanders life would prove a lot more titillating.
Who’s going to win? The comics don’t care. What they care about is the real possibility of going broke after the election is over. They’ve got to find new material to write jammed- packed hours of comedy skits, jokes, and spin-offs for TV… like during the 90’s when Jay Leno hit the jackpot featuring six months of the “Dancing Ito’s during the O.J. trial.
So, what’s a comedian to do? I guess there’s always the remote possibility that Bernie Sanders could win the election, giving them the gift of creating a mega-hit, four year spin-off series called “Weekend With Bernie.”