Here’s the link to my latest article in VivaTysons Magazine!
VivaTysons Magazine – November 2014
Text from the article is below:
How many times have you heard somebody comment about taking a risk using the old adage: “Well, you could get run over by a bus when crossing the street.” Oh Yeah? I’ve got one better. Let me tell you something my friend. At middle age the risks are even scarier because now we’re in danger of getting injured by doing either NOTHING or NEXT TO NOTHING.
Here’s the TOP FIVE INJURIES that happen with regularity past the ripe old age of fifty.
#1. SLEEP INJURY: You roll into bed perfectly healthy and enjoy a great night’s sleep. But when you wake up, to your shock, you’ve sustained some kind of bodily injury. God knows how this happened. You might wake up with a stiff, painful shoulder, or a massive Charlie horse which makes you limp out of bed, a pain under your ribs, an aching back, or some other kind of crippling injury. And you say to yourself, “How the hell did this happen” Am I in such a pathetic state of physical condition that I can get injured doing NOTHING? OMG, kill me now.
Cause of Injury: Unknown
#2. SHOWER INJURY: You’re enjoying the feeling of that great warm water pulsating down and relaxing every muscle in your body when you turn just a smidge (like 4 degrees) to get the soap and BAM! Your spinal column feels like it’s a lightning rod that just got hit with 25,000 volts. Your entire back is in spasm with the kind of pain that will require a twenty year Percodan addiction. You try to climb out of the shower without screaming, fall over your cat and end up in traction.
Cause of Injury: Picking up a 2 ounce bar of soap
#3. WALKING INJURY: Normally, a younger person could get injured on a walk by circumstances like being bitten by a dog, tripping over some hidden object like a rock, or even being mowed down by a senior citizen on his way to a Denny’s Grand-Slam breakfast. But the most humiliating thing for us “more mature” people is to discover that you have sustained a stress fracture in your foot by none of the above—simply by the act of walking, itself.
Cause of injury: Your own body weight
#4. EATING INJURY: Forget the salmonella poisoning! Many older folks sit down to enjoy a delicious meal and suddenly hear “CRUNCH” followed by either half a tooth falling out or the dislocation of their TMJ joint. Your jaw is frozen open to the point where you’re unable to close your mouth without the aid of a hammer. Then there’s always the possibility of the food going down the “wrong pipe” and narrowly escaping death unless your St Bernard is on hand to perform the Heimlich. The possibilities, like Master Card, are endless.
Cause of Injury: Lack of targeting your TMJ muscles in the gym
#5. FOREPLAY INJURIES: OMG, these are the MOST depressing of all injuries. After menopause, foreplay can get mighty risky if performed any place other than on a top-of-the-line Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress covered with a 12 inch goose down mattress pad. Having foreplay in the locales when you were younger like the beach, on the floor in front of the fireplace, in the hot tub, or on the butcher block in the kitchen can cause any of the following injuries:
- Rug burns
- Fractured pelvis
- Sprained Kegel
Cause of injury: Obamacare not paying for Vagifem
What’s the solution to all of the above–other than mass euthanasia for Baby Boomers or keeping a physician on call 24/7? Hey, don’t ask me…I’m only the reporter.