Karma for Ex-Husbands

There’s a new epidemic sweeping the fifty-something men of America. Nah—it’s not impotence although that probably ranks right up there. It’s a mental condition where one day a guy wakes up with the obsession of ditching his wife and acquiring a real-life Barbie doll. It’s rampant—you hear about it all the time. The talk shows are swamped with sobbing wives telling the world about how their cradle robber husbands dumped them for girls who are half their age, half their weight, and half their I.Q.

But, the good news is that there is never a happy ending for Ken Sr. and his Barbie. What goes around comes around and Karma will eventually catch up with him. So, girlfriend, don’t waste the rest of your life plotting revenge. He’s going to a lethal dose of it without your help.

Bad Karma can come as a bigger surprise than Lindsay Lohan’s latest acquittal. He thinks his life is going to be a bowl of cherries, but all he’s going to get is the pits. Here are ten of the millions of possible Karmic paybacks for a guy who sticks his fishing pole in the Barbie Pool.

1. His new Barbie wife comes with three kids UNDER seven years old AND a psycho-stalker ex-husband.

2. From now on, all intelligent conversation will consist of discussing the pros and cons of Kim Kardashian’s bootie, the anorexia problems of the Olsen twins, and if Charlie Sheen has any viable brain cells left.

3. He will lose approximately 5.3 years of sleep from having to get up and change diapers again—compounded by the eventual destruction of his olfactory lobes.

4. He will be forced to give up sporting events to attend countless Lady GaGa and Kanye West concerts with his Barbie and her BFF’s.

5. He has married a girl who has no comprehension, whatsoever, of the phrase “home cooked meal.”

6. For the remainder of his life, he will be mistaken as his wife’s Daddy.

7. There will be many occasions when he’ll come close to suffering a fatal heart attack from the exertion of snow-boarding, roller blading, and salsa dancing—not to mention the overwhelming odds from frequent Viagra use.

8. He’ll be stuffing his paunchy belly into two-sizes-too-small, hip-hugger Levis, resulting in crushed gonads.

9. After six months of marriage, his sex life will be deader than Robert Blake’s career. Barbie will be spending all her nights up friending every guy in her high school class on Facebook and Classmates.com. while simultaneously Twittering to her 2,000 followers about how fabulous her new $1,500 hair extensions make her look.

10. He WILL get dumped in about two years for some hottie from her gym whose only career goal is targeting his abs.

These Karmic predictions ought to make you feel a lot better…don’t they? Of course, you won’t become obsessed by it, because you’re mature enough to live with his decision. You firmly believe he has a right to his day in the sun…in 120 degree heat…in the desert…with no water…and no camel. Have a nice life, sweetie.

This entry was posted in Columns. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Karma for Ex-Husbands

  1. Dominic Erba says:

    Janice…..don’t ask how I stumbled on the connection…..jan King and Janice Prohovic…guess I have too much time on my hands being retired, and not yet good enough for the PGA Seniors Challange…I did enjoy reading these, even a guy can have a sence of humor. Long time since Bandstand, Jr Miss and Notre Dame dances! Congrats on the grand kids….just had the latest of three myself.

    Very best

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *